No definitions today, kids. It's just pure unadulterated self-pity . . I mean self-realization. I always thought that I was a tough girl. I seldom cried, and when I did, it was because I was really angry. . . meaning I was so angry that I wanted to punch somebody in the face and knock their teeth out, but I had to restrain myself . . . and that made me cry, not the bonehead who pissed me off. A lot of people I know also seem to have this impression that I am tough as nails. I guess this is another case of how looks can be deceiving . . . even to myself. lol
Anyway, the past few days have changed my perception of myself. I have only been away from home for 6 days and I have become an emotional train wreck. I think it's because I'm homesick and I miss the comforts of home . . . meaning my husband, kids, cable TV, cooking for them, my beautiful and clean city, etc. It's amazing what you can learn, especially about yourself, when you are in a totally different environment.
However, I am alone now in this mid-size room in a nice place, but with no TV at all, and studying for the Philippine bar examinations, which is one of the hardest exams in the world for the licensure of attorneys. I'm supposed to be here (about 700 miles away from home) for about 45 days in all, but it's been very tough on the mind. I feel like a fish out of water . . . in a desert. However, my grandmother was a tough cookie, and she always told me I could do anything - God rest her soul. I believed her . . . but now . . . .
I recently found out that I am not as tough as I thought. People have referred to me as a lion, a tiger and even a dragon since I was never one to back down from a fight or a tough situation. Yet, I have found that I am quite the sensitive type (even a wimp) . . . away from my pride (of lions) and far from my den. Crying, in private of course, has become quite a daily activity. It's not helping my studying either. Nothing is staying in my brain. Pathetic, right? I used to think so, too. Before, people like that were pitiful and pathetic to me, until I found myself in their shoes. I have realized that I am becoming wimpy! (O.M.G.!)
However, I also realized something interesting. I guess I have been crying because I didn't know how much everything at home really meant to me. It came as a big shock. I guess you could say that I thought I would miss my family, friends, home and its comforts, somewhat . . . but at the time, I think I didn't realize that actually living without them (the laughter of my family, the hugs of my hubby, the naughtiness of my kids, the smiles of my friends and relatives, the sound of my TV, the mess in my room, the clean air, . . . ) is a whole other thing. I took these little things for granted and now that they are nowhere around me I know how much they really mean to me. This is what has taken my roar and replaced it with silence and emptiness.
Yet, I need to look on the brighter side of things . . . because that is the theme of my blog - lol. Actually, this is a good thing because I now know that I must value my family and friends, my home (no matter how messy it is), my TV shows, and so forth while they are still around me, not when they are gone. So, I want to dedicate this post to my husband Bryant, my dear sons Toby and Xandy, my relatives and friends (you all know who you are), and my beautiful Davao City. I love you and miss you all very much. (I'll see you in about 40 days.)
Hence, the lesson of the day is to look around you and cherish what and who you have. One day, they might not be there (even though it may be for a a little while), and you will know what it means to feel empty. So, let's leave it at that. Remember to always try to live life under the sun, and that even when there are clouds and rain; they, too, shall pass . . . Right? So, let's bring on the thunder! ROARRRRR!
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